Dragonflies, Butterflies & Lady Bugs

Want to Hide

Can I run away now? I am tired of the drudgery of every day, tired of pulling Nina out of the catbox, tired of reminding Jeff that he's supposed to be a productive member of society, tired of reminding Gabrielle that it is not our job to keep the electric company in business, tired of looking at my own shitbag of issues. I keep sitting down to write an entry, realize I have nothing funny, poignant or even remotely interesting to say, and stop. Is it just the time of month? Maybe. I used to think everything was warped at this time of month. Now I wonder if it's not the only time of month I see clearly.

There are bright points in my life for sure -- my children, despite disgusting fascinations and bad habits, always manage to do something to keep my heart from shrinking or drying out. Laughing with my friends over a game or a meal keep my smile lines growing. My cat is determined to make sure I know that if nothing else, I taste good. Even my armpits. Especially my armpits (and yes -- it hurts!).

Still, I am deeply melancholy. There are certain things in my life that are profoundly troubled right now and it wears me out, trying to find resolution. Thoughts of Jasmine are never far, as I keep thinking of the countdown that was happening this year -- a countdown I was denying at the time, but knew in some far recess of my heart was running down. She was back in the hospital today, after being home with us for a few short days, back in the hospital and she came home as ashes in a beautifully carved wooden box. The memory of her leaving the house on January 18, burning up and shivering, out into the icy night wrapped in a jacket, a scarf, mittens, a cap and a blanket so she could be flown to the hospital haunts me. The image of her laying on that couch barely holding on haunts me. The brief hope we had in the hospital when she seemed to be rallying haunts me, as does her death.

It's a little dark here, despite the sun shining in my window. I am soul tired. I am tired of fighting for my marriage and the realization of a man, tired of emotional manipulation, tired of knowing that nothing is ever one-dimensional and that there are reasons for all this. I am tired of my own compassion and ability to see multiple facets of an issue, person or situation. I want to sleep for a year, wake up, and have it all right.

I am asking the gods to deliver some moment in the next few hours to chase all this away. Please.

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