Dear Cats,

When you come whine and yowl because your food dish is empty, when you create such a ruckus that any reasonable person could only come to the conclusion that you are on death's door due to starvation, do not subsequently spend less than one minute snarfing at your food dish, then slink along your merry little way as if you had no idea what the rush was all about. It could lead to felinocide. With all the brouhaha and complaining, I expect you to eat for at least 30 minutes after I feed you. I mean, heck, your food dish has been empty a whole four hours. A cat could waste away in that time, especially cats as -- ahem! -- skinny as you (NOT).

And while we're having a little heart-to-heart, unless you really wish to end your charmed life in a suburban stairwell, stop lurking in the dark when it's time for me to go to bed! Because really, I've almost killed myself as I jerk my foot back upon finding fur beneath it, then flailed around precariously on the stair until my arms find the handrail or wall. I think I'm about done with that nonsense. I know you can see me coming better than I can see you waiting for your chance to become a kitty flapjack, so take it upon yourself to get the hell out of my way!

Jewel, while I'm sure my armpits are a tasty and unappreciated treat, it would be best if you wean yourself. Up until now, I've just startled awake and quickly pulled my arm under the blanket, somewhat like a turtle pulling its head into its shell. No more of that. No, if you put your razor-embedded tongue on the very sensitive and delicate skin one more time, I think what I'm going to do is grab your head and stuff it in there, then firmly close my arm. If you like it so much, you'll be thrilled to be so up close and personal.

Last thing, Rosie. Re: your nightly karumphing runs through the house after the lights and TV have been turned off. Is there some reason this carousing can't happen while we're all still awake? And if not, then surely you won't mind when I start squirting water at you every time you've just settled down for a nice nap. After all, fair is fair, I'm sure you'll agree. You'd think a creature that enjoys sleep for twenty hours out of the day would appreciate its value.

You may think you've stumbled into one of these houses where cats rule, but you would be wrong. We are egalitarian here, dogs, cats, people alike. The world where cats rule the house exists in some other abode, one where you do not reside, so I suggest you start taking better care, else you find yourself voted right off this island.

Sincerely,
Person

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