Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 | 5:38 p.m.

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Warning Sign

The other day while cleaning I came across one of Jasmine's journals. I've found several and like me at her age, Jasmine was fond of writing one or two entries in one journal and then getting another one. For me, I felt vaguely guilty about not keeping up with the daily writing I wanted to do, so I would "erase" the evidence of the lapse by starting a new journal. It never occurred to me, I guess, that even starting a new journal would reveal the lapse in time.

The last entry in Jasmine's journal was about my mom and dad coming to visit. I think she was writing in it last summer as that was the last time they came and visited together before she died. She had hurt her leg somehow. I have a fuzzy recollection of it. I don't remember what she did. But the last few lines of that journal went like this, "Grandma and Papa are coming in a few weeks and I'm really excited. I hurt my leg."

A few lines skipped and then, "I don't know if I'm going to make it."

It's been haunting me ever since. She probably meant, "I don't know if I'm going to make it until Grandma and Papa are coming because I'm so excited," or even, "I don't know if I'm going to make it because my leg hurts so much." But when I read it, I wanted to throw the book across the room.

Everywhere we went today, people were out with their families. I'm sure most of those families included all their children. Easter has never been a really big holiday for us. We're not Christian, so there's not a lot for us to celebrate. We do most of our bunny, egg, spring celebration on the Equinox in March.

Gabrielle is missing her sister badly. Even before Jasmine died, Gabrielle had a hard time being alone. She seeks her happiness in being with others. I worry about this sometimes, because it occasionally leads to behavior that can be damaging to Gab, but now it just seems so sad, so searching. It seems like she's trying to fill the hole left by Jasmine. How long will it take her to know it's unfillable? Does she already know it on some level?

Some days the knowledge that Jasmine is dead seems so distant. It feels like she's just in the other room and could pop in at any minute. Other days, like today, I feel her absence like I would the absence of air. With every inhale I struggle to pull something closer that's not there and every exhale feels like I'm pushing against an invisible hand that's squeezing my lungs.

Today has been like that. This morning we went out to pick up a few things (three cats use a LOT more litter than two, go figure), and the song "Adia" by Sarah McLachlan came on the radio. I'm not a huge fan of hers, but I know that song is about a friend who committed suicide and too many lines hit too close to home. I teared up a little and, not wanting to bring everyone else down, was glad I had my sunglasses on. I think I mumbled something about having an eyelash in my eye.

Jasmine, I miss you today, chicky. I don't know what it's like where you are, I don't think anyone does really, until they go there, but it's got to be better than it was here. I like to think of you in the arms of the Goddess... whether that means in a literal place, like the Isle of Apples, or in a billion, trillion molecules of energy bouncing happily around the world, it means moving freely and not struggling with sick lungs.

A good friend of mine used a Coldplay song to end her journal entry today. I think I'll copy. This song was with me when Jasmine was dying. It made me cry then, and now, it makes me cry more. Like the Michelle Branch song I included earlier, it's not about death, necessarily, but the words work.

A Warning Sign

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
>I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so.

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

And I'm tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

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