Dragonflies, Butterflies & Lady Bugs

Why is Everything So Complicated Now?

First, dad is home and really out of the woods. He is feeling a bit weak, but okay other than that. Results from the biopsy should be available soon. Thanks again for the prayers and well wishes!

Second, I want to think out loud some more about moving. But I also want to apologize to my loved ones in Arizona who read about our second thoughts here instead of hearing about it from me directly. Sometimes when I sit down to write in this journal, I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. The Help Wanted! post was like that -- Jeff and I had been talking about whether or not to move (and still are), and I sat down to write, and that's what came out. In retrospect, you all deserved to hear about it on the phone and not here. I'm sorry. (And I know that yes, this is my journal and I can say what I want, but I also know people read it and that carries some responsibility.)

This morning I was writing my dreaded morning pages and they turned out to be mostly about this decision. As I was writing, it occurred to me that if Jasmine were still alive, we would most definitely still be moving. Living three hours away from the hospital was definitely getting to be too much. While it would, maybe, have been more logical to choose St. Louis, we would have stuck with Phoenix because of the family/friend factor.

In the wake of Jasmine's passing, I clung to the idea of moving to Phoenix because it felt like part of the Before world. We didn't even seriously talk about any other option, and when people asked us if we were still moving, we answered "yes," without even really thinking about it. Only recently have we started to talk about whether a move is right for us in the After world.

It's so different and I can't explain it fully. For the last ten years, our lives have been hugely influenced by having to meet Jasmine's medical needs. Where we could and could not live was TOTALLY dependent upon the answer to the question of whether or not adequate medical care was readily available. Every day our activities revolved around her medical needs -- medicines, treatments, illness, whatever. I feel guilty saying I'm glad we don't have to do that anymore. I also feel like our compass is gone. Every decision we make now is without the factor that has guided every other decision we've made -- Jasmine's health. It is very hard to adjust.

Now we are looking at this decision to move with our new, Jasmine-less perspective -- new glasses, if you will -- and we're straining to adjust to a completely new way of seeing the world. Things that used to be all we could see aren't even in the picture anymore and things we didn't use to see are now sharp and bright. So how do we make this decision in light of this? That's why I asked for input a few days ago -- I feel like we're missing something, or that there's something we should be considering that we're not.

Heather suggested we postpone it -- the possible move. That we give ourselves another year. Of course, that's largely dependent on Jeff getting a job, but really, I'm sure he can get a job of some sort, especially now that we don't have to try to fit it around Jasmine's schedule and hospital visits.

Cedar keyed in on an important issue -- the store. I have a plan to do it in a different way that would still honor my dream if we stay here. And if we ended up moving in a year, it would be very easy to take what I want to do with us. And we could really do some fun stuff here by adding on to the garage and house that we would not be able to afford if we moved.

Marcy said it pretty much comes down to jobs, and she's right. So Jeff is going to seriously look here, but we will also still be getting the house ready to sell. If nothing else, if we do move, we will absolutely know we tried to make it work here in every way.

So I'm still open to comments. I haven't heard from many of you -- and don't feel like you have to "know" us to comment. Even if you only know me through my journal, what do you think? What would you consider in a cross country move?

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