Friday, May. 14, 2004 | 2:19 p.m.



Blogroll Me!

[ Registered ]

      
Marriage is love.
Current
Archives
Diaryland

About Me ...
Profile
Cast
125 Things
40 Things in 5 Years

Ways to Contact Me...
E-mail

Book
Notes

My Other Sites...
Dragonfly Wings
The Fire Spiral
Coolest of the Cool
bindyree
boxx9000
chailife
clarity25
dukkha-tanha
eggsaucted
elgan
elysium1982
greenwitch
harri3tspy
hissandtell
iceweasel
iwillsurvive
la-the-sage
life-my-way
wistful-blue
might-could
nazgul--girl
nikki-lish
pharseer
poolagirl
r-y-r
sapphyr
strangerlucy
thedetails
theflyingrat
thehour
tiffy524
trancejen
reese219
tuckandsophi
widower
wildforests
witchful
thirstywit
pissymystic

Still More Coolness

Blah

I am incredibly frustrated with my body right now. Not only could I not do Pilates this week because of my stupid back, I also have some kind of respiratory infection that is keeping me from doing any cardio. WTF? It seems so damned unfair that when I am well and truly motivated to Do Something, my body decides it's a good time to fall apart.

Please, no lectures about "doing too much" -- I am so not wanting to hear that right now. I really wasn't doing too much. I was working out one or two days a week and not paying very good attention to what I was eating.

I know I'm supposed to be patient about all this, but dammit, I am so tired of looking at the fat on my midsection. I hate it and I want it gone. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe. I want to have sex with my husband and not worry about whether or not things are jiggling that shouldn't be. Yes, he may say he doesn't care, but he will also say he prefers my body in better shape. So which is it? ?!@?#! Ultimately, I know, it is about me liking what I see, but the fact is, right now, I don't. And I can feel marginally better about that when I work out. Not being able to do that is making me cranky.

There is good news, I guess. I did manage to lose about four pounds this week from journaling my food and paying attention to what I eat. And I had some insight into how I defeat myself by giving up on eating well when I perceive I've made some kind of mistake -- even if I haven't really made that mistake. Journaling helped me see that. One day last week I thought I ate too much for lunch, so I went ahead and slid on dinner too -- after all, I'd already screwed up for the day, so why stop? I had some candy too. I didn't journal that day, but when I wrote about it the next day in my morning pages, I realized that I hadn't really screwed up in the first place. It was all a mind game. So anyway, journaling what I eat is helping with that.

Topping it all off is just a general sense of blah, of blue and grey. Is it depression? I don't know. I'm not feeling suicidal, just angry or apathetic in turns. I had a dream the other night that I was listening to a song, the title of which is annoyingly escaping me right now, and it reminded me of Jasmine and I just sobbed and sobbed. I expected to wake up to a wet pillow, but I didn't. I can't help but think that if I could do that when I am awake it would help release some of this pressure.

Previous | Next

Have something to say? So did 4 others!


Recent Entries ...
Go Here - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006
Short, But Sad Good-bye - Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005
Jasmine's Story ... Our Story - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
Ache - Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005
Twists & Turns - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2005

join my Notify List and get email when I update my site:
email:
Powered by NotifyList.com

 

Who Links Here