Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 | 4:39 p.m.

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Marriage is love.

When Good Cats Go Bad

Gabrielle thinks we are the worst stripe of animal abusers. See, we got some kitty valium for the trip to Arizona and the vet told us to try it out before leaving to make sure we get the dose right. So today we gave them each a quarter tablet. Turns out it might be a liiiitle bit too much. They're acting like little stoners, stumbling around, eating copious amounts of food and staring off into space, admiring the pretty colors, then sleeping like the dead. They are quite entertaining. Normally we imagine conversations for our dogs, but today the cats rule.

Jewel: Dude, I feel kinda funny. I think they dropped a roofie in our tuna!

Rosie, prissier than the most snotty 90210-er: I knew it! I knew if we lived in this den of iniquity for long they'd start drugging us! What's next? Vodka in our drinking water?

Jewel: But dude... look at all the pretty colors! I think I just saw an aurora borealis! (as we swipe the rainbow-colored cat ribbon over her head) Duuuuude....

Rosie: Well, that's all fine and dandy. But have you tried to walk yet? I can't believe I look so... so... ::sob:: I'm as clumsy as one of the dogs!

Jewel: Look... look at all the food! Oh. My. God. ::making Cookie Monster snarfing sounds::

Rosie: I have to admit, the Meow Mix is looking pretty tasty... I mean, normally, I wouldn't go near the stuff. It's bad for the hips, you know. And so cheap! Don't they know I only eat the highest grade cat food? Hmph. But today... today I think I must -- ::more Cookie Monster snarfing sounds::

For a time, the only sound in the kitchen is the gulping and crunching of Meow Mix. Then...

Rosie: Omigod... I can't believe I ate sooo much! I think I have to go purge...

No wonder Gab hates us. The cats' favorite place to puke is on her bed.

Jewel: Oh man, I think I have the spins! I better just lay here awhile and stare at the wall.

Yeah, I think we're going to have to adjust their doses. It's amusing, but I do have to drive, after all.

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