Dragonflies, Butterflies & Lady Bugs

Blog Explosion and a Nutshell

Okay, so I'm paused on Blog Explosion because... I just don't want to read comments drawn from one page readings of my blog, not on this issue. It's not that I don't appreciate the intent, but really, unless you've been reading awhile, you might jump to all kinds of crazy conclusions. But to give you some detail:

First of all, we don't argue in front of our kids. And actually, this isn't that sort of trouble. It's more the silent type. Everything's already been said. Very little has changed in return. What else is there to do? Our conversations are quite civil, and if you didn't know us that well, you probably wouldn't even know anything was wrong. Our children are our number one priority and we do a great job of keeping that in sight, even when we are irritated with each other. Do they pick up on the tension? Probably. Do they have to listen to us snipe at each other? Absolutely not.

Most of you know that I have worked -- I was the primary breadwinner in my house for the vast majority of the past decade. And for a large part of that, Jeff stayed home and cared for Jasmine. That was our agreement and it was fine. But when Nina was born, we made a new agreement -- that I would get to stay home with her and Jeff would return to work. The decision was based on a few things, like my growing antsiness to get out of the corporate world, pursue other interests (like writing) and stay home with my last child. Jeff wanted to be an in-the-world-adult with a career, to begin to realize his potential as a human being. Almost two years later, nothing doing. It's a broken promise, but worse than that, he is stuck in the worst kind of rut. He thinks I'm better than he is, that I'm smarter and more marketable. I disagree and I'm not willing to enable him to hide anymore. He is better than pizza delivery -- I know it, he knows it somewhere and he needs to find the help he needs to recognize it and move on. Not only that, but our relationship can't be equal if I'm standing on a pedestal.

In December, we hired a career coach/consultant for him, but that has been going very haltingly. He was very gung ho in the beginning, but slowed to a stop when it came time to really get to work on resumes -- like writing it and turning it in. Recently he picked up again because I said I was going to look for a job. I really don't have a lot of choice at this point because we've lost our financial cushion.

I have compassion for him -- I really do. I've learned a lot since his mother moved down here and I've had a chance to really witness how his family treats him. I've thought a lot about how that contributes to the issues he has. But I don't know how much longer I can live with Jeff the Slacker. I want a partner, not another person to prop up. I feel like that damned Sheryl Crow song -- I want someone strong enough to be my man. I am so very unhappy and I can't live like this forever.

The nutshell. Kind of rotten, isn't it?

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