Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 | 9:04 p.m.



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Because I Just Can't Leave Well Enough Alone

So my attempt to not step on anyone's toes or invade anyone's privacy has led to serious writer's block. What can I write about if I block myself from writing about what's going on in my world. Writing about politics and religion is out because boy that might smash some toes. Writing solely about my kids even bores me after awhile, as does constant writing about my attempts to reclaim my body (to borrow Deeda's phrase). So what's a sensitive, caring girl to do?

Part of the struggle leading up to that post was in regard to having some heavy shit going down in my life and wanting to write through it. There are some of you who leave really thoughtful comments and I appreciate that. It gives me a new way to think about things sometimes and confirms things I've already thought other times. The problem is that the areas where stuff is happening are all close to me and often involve people who read this blog. Most of what I have to work through I have said to them, but some of it I have not. And I hate the kind of blog entry that's really a half-disguised "message" directed at someone and want to avoid it at all costs, though it is a passive aggressive temptation, I have to admit. "What, you thought I was talking about you? Nah... I was just thinking out loud about the world in general..." And in fact, I was talking about you. So how do I give myself the space to work through these interpersonal things without hiding here? How do I avoid the passive aggressive trap?

Someone wrote in the comments to that post that they don't write anything they wouldn't say directly to the person involved. It seems like a good guideline, but still requires that there be some checking in with people. I guess what I'm ultimately worried about is that I'll have to take the diplomatic gloves off. If I'm going to be that kind of honest here, there may be people who choose not to be part of my life anymore. And even if on some level I know that's okay, on another level it feels kind of icky.

Maybe the specter I'm facing is that in my devastating need to be nice and not hurt anyone's feelings, I short change myself, and ultimately, the person I'm in relation with. Because when I come to the point of not saying anything here I haven't already said to someone in person -- which seems reasonable enough -- I realize that there are a lot of things I think about people that I don't share with them. And that there is both arrogance and avoidance in making that choice. Arrogance in assuming they can't handle hearing what I have to say, and avoidance in not wanting to deal with an emotional scene (either tearful or angry, or both) when I say how I feel.

I have spent the past five years working with a model that was taught to me at Diana's Grove. It's a practice, by which I mean, not something I've mastered. The problem is this -- when I'm working with the model at the Grove, I'm in a very controlled environment where people have all agreed to work with the model. It's not like that in the "real world." And some people don't agree with the model -- it's not just that they "don't know and would do it if they did." So trying to live my life by this model is a hellacious challenge and I wonder sometimes if in softening my approach to communicating, in trying to remember all the tools I've learned, if I don't end up completely watering down what I'm doing. No, worse that that. In trying to make room for everyone else to express themselves, in making sure I haven't taped anyone else's mouth shut, I put duct tape over my own. I know that's not what the intention of those tools is, but I fear that's where I've taken them. I think this is what the King of Swords has been telling me loudly and clearly these past few weeks.

I guess this meandering post has taken me to this discovery -- in order to have the freedom to say what I want to say here, I have to first say it in person. And I have to consider deeply my intention when I post here. Is it to shame? Is it to passively bring up a topic I've been avoiding directly? If so, then I guess I really need to not make the post -- at least not until I've made the effort to address the issue in person. To work my way to that place of addressing, I do have another journal that is online but not public in which I can do the sifting to see what's what. But to refine what I started in that post on the 8th, I find myself here, at the end of this one. Hm.

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