Wednesday, May. 04, 2005 | 9:20 a.m.



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Still More Coolness

Things You Don't Need to Work Out

There are two things that are unnecessary in the gym. One is perfume, particularly when you're wearing enough to choke me from twenty feet away. The second is a cell phone, which seems to invoke yelling no matter if it's needed or not.

I know I've written about the miasma of excessive perfume before. It might sound like I have an issue with scents and I really don't. Quite the contrary, actually. I have a really finetuned nose and am extremely appreciative of good smells. However, when the good smell is so exaggerated as to cause me to stop breathing through my nose and coats my teeth with its acridity, when it makes my nasal passages close in violent protest and makes me gasp and wheeze, it's TOO MUCH. And in a gym? For Pete's sake! These people are like Europeans of old, thinking that if they don't bathe, they can cover the stench of their unwashed bodies with perfume. Newsflash folks -- a good shower and some deodorant go along way towards making your body smells acceptable to your obviously half-dead olfactory senses. Frankly, I'd rather smell your sweat than the gallon of whatever-trendy-scent you're wearing.

Cell phones? Great tools, very handy for emergencies and business. Even helpful for keeping in touch with friends and family. But do you really need to do that on the treadmill? Is it really necessary to discuss your latest lame date in an embarrassingly loud fashion while working out? Can't you just have lunch with someone? Because I don't want to know and I am especially annoyed that your loud, nasally voices pierce the shield I try to erect with my iPod earbuds. I am playing Nine Inch Nails VERY LOUD and I can still hear you! Shut the fuck up! Put your stupid ear-and-mouth-appendage away until after your goddamned workout or quiet down!

Phew! Okay. So another night on my own at the gym. Go me. Now if the stupid scale would just resume its downward trend, I'd be fine.

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