Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005 | 8:38 a.m.



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Still More Coolness

She Dreamed of Baby

I woke up this morning from a dream that I was going into labor. I remember the details pretty clearly -- the pregnancy hadn't been on purpose (shades of Nina), but I was happy about it. I looked at Nina ruefully, but warmly, thinking, "At least you'll have someone your own age to play with, like Jasmine and Gab." We didn't know the baby's gender and that was kind of exciting. We were with family and yet I was somehow on my own as well. I put my hand on my stomach and clearly felt the baby's hand pushing back. I remembered back, in my dream, to being pregnant with Jasmine and feeling the outline of her leg and foot, but it was nothing to how I felt the hand of this child. It was as if the skin and tissue separating us was somehow thinner.

Suddenly I felt something push in the region of my cervix, and I was worried that I wouldn't make it to the birthing center on time. Sort of excited too, at the idea that I might have the baby at home. I called Jeff in and asked him to check to see if I was dilating. Before he did, I pulled his hand to my stomach and had him touch the baby's hand. Everytime we touched the hand, it reached out to us. As he touched the baby's hand, I asked him if he could feel it. I said the fingers were long, just like the others. He looked at me and said, "Feel it? I can see it." And I looked down to see the outline of a tiny hand on my stomach.

Nina woke me up at this point and I was unable to go back to sleep. I know that dreams about babies aren't always about babies, so I wonder what it was. The sensation was so strong.

So far today is going well. When I turned on the computer, Led Zeppelin's "All My Love" played on Launchcast. Robert Plant wrote the song after his young son died back in the seventies. I've always loved it anyway, but after Jasmine died, it became even more special to me. I felt like the song was a gift from Dionysos, who always seems to come to me in music. I don't know what else will come to pass today, but I am resolved that if I feel like crying, I will and if I just feel okay, that's good too.

Thanks so much to everyone for yesterday's comments. I appreciate them and you, my online (and in some cases, offline) community. I don't know how many times I need to hear it's okay for me to be whole, to have these feelings and to express them, but I am grateful that you all seem to never tire of reminding me. ::hugs::

(Three new entries precede this one)

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Recent Entries ...
Go Here - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006
Short, But Sad Good-bye - Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005
Jasmine's Story ... Our Story - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
Ache - Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005
Twists & Turns - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2005

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