Monday, Jan. 12, 2004 | 10:39 a.m.



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Still More Coolness

The St. Louis Epiphany

I keep saying Iím going to write about this move thing, and it keeps getting pushed back. I do have some legitimate reasons, mostly pertaining to Jasmine being in the hospital in St. Louis with Jeff, while Iím here in Bloomington with Nina and Gabrielle.

That Jeff and Jasmine are again in St. Louis while Iím in B-ton with Nina and Gab is what led me to the epiphany about leaving B-ton. Jasmine got sick during our vacation and we made an appointment for her to see the docs when we got in to St. Louis. They decided to admit her. I was going to stay in St. Louis until she came home but the dog boarder couldnít keep them any longer and I was forced to come home unexpectedly. When we delivered the news to Jasmine, she cried. Jasmine never cries about stuff like this and it really bothered me. She was afraid of having another experience like the last time she was in the hospital and ended up in ICU. I felt like crap and I had to walk out of the hospital room anyway, to come back to Bloomington to take care of business. It was in that moment in the hospital room, when Jasmine was trying so hard to be grown up and not cry and just deal with it, that I had the sudden and very sure knowledge that it is time to move.

So for now, we are separated. For me, it is agonizing. Itís not that I donít think Jeff does a great job being the parent when Jasmine is in the hospital Ė I wonder sometimes if he gets that. Itís that I want to be there if something goes wrong. Itís that I donít understand anymore whatís going on with Jasmineís health and I have a deep need to hear and see for myself whatís going on. Itís that I need to be near my husband when I feel afraid about Jasmineís future. Yes, I am a strong woman, but I am tired of denying to myself that I need our family to be together when Jasmine is in the hospital.

While we were on vacation, we thought a lot about the job situation Ė what comes next for Jeff and for me, what comes next with the store. We talked about our past difficulties with B-ton and Jeffís employment. We put a finite date on the B-ton search Ė it was going to be the end of March. If Jeff didnít have a good job by then, we would leave. The St. Louis Epiphany negates this, but it was an original part of The Plan ô. We asked ourselves why staying in B-ton is important and really, it boils down to my coven. I have the greatest coven in the world. I have the coven many witches dream about. I have a chosen family and the thought of leaving them makes me feel slightly queasy. This is why we wanted to try to stay in B-ton. After The Epiphany, I realized that I will still have ties with my coven no matter where I am. These people will be a part of my life in some way forever, even if we are not geographically close. Doesnít make it easier to leave, but at least I donít feel like Iíll never see them again.

So the question of where is now before me. I say me purposefully because it really will come down to my decision. After talking to Deb while on vacation, Iíve come to some peace about that as well. The two choices in front of us are St. Louis and Phoenix. Why these two cities? Well, because we know them relatively well and are assured of the quality of medical care in both places. If we went with St. Louis, all the current medical people in our lives would pretty much stay the same. Weíd just be close to St. Louis when Jasmine has to go into the hospital. Phoenix affords us the health care proximity PLUS family and friends nearby to help support us, which means it currently has the edge in the relocation game. Yes, itís bloody HOT in the summer, and yes, that summer lasts half the freakiní year, but if we can manage to take a vacation at least once in that time to a cooler place, Iíll be okay. I lived there for fifteen years and didnít perish.

Jeff is going to school to be either a respiratory therapist or an X-ray tech. Itís time for a career and he will be so good at either of these. Once that happens and things are settled, the store will open. Iím very excited about this and really feel in a deep place like we are on the right path. I feel very peaceful.

Those of you who know more about the Arizona story Ė things are so good now. This trip home was meant to happen at this time and in this way, just like the move to the Midwest was meant to happen in its time and way. More about this later.

By the by, my Chariot year began on my birthday and will end this coming December. According to "The Tarot Handbook," the Chariot year is a continuation of work that began in my last "Emperor" year. Guess when that was? Yup, 2000. I did a reading about moving to AZ that was very positive. The outcome card? The Chariot. Aside from the obvious U-Haul reference, I believe this is also about me getting a hold on the various parts of myself that I felt were going in different directions -- the career me, the Priestess me, the Mom me, the emotional me, etc. The unruly horse me's -- oh, and did I mention I'm a Sagittarius? LOL

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Recent Entries ...
Go Here - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006
Short, But Sad Good-bye - Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005
Jasmine's Story ... Our Story - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
Ache - Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005
Twists & Turns - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2005

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