Monday, May. 17, 2004 | 10:43 p.m.



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Still More Coolness

Tired, But Better

I had a horrible bout of insomnia last night that I am hoping is not going to repeat tonight. I had made an arrangement to meet a friend this morning for a bike ride and so forced myself to get in bed at 12:30-ish, even though I knew sleep would be a challenge. I slept fitfully until Nina woke up at 3:30 and then could not get back to sleep to save my life. I finally gave up for good at about 5:30 and did my morning pages, had some tea and decided to leave a little early for my meeting so as to enjoy the morning.

For whatever reason, most of the funk I was in last week lifted this morning, despite my extreme fatigue. I lost weight last week despite being sick and dealing with my back. I am quite sure that journaling my food and paying more attention to what goes in my mouth is responsible. That and drinking a lot more water. So sometime this weekend I noticed my back isn't hurting anymore and that the respiratory infection was short-lived, though I do still have a cough and some kind of annoying sinus thing. This morning I realized that I will be able to get back on track this week, and that's a good thing. Despite my frustration last week, I am glad I took the time off -- not only did it let my body get its shit together, it also gave me some time to focus on my eating. This week I will do both.

So today's bike ride was a good 45 minute cardio workout and I had a belly dance session this afternoon, so that's like, double merit points, right? I meet with Juli tomorrow, after speaking with her on the phone today about how last week was. She was very supportive. My dance session today was awesome and I am really looking forward to getting together more with S. to improve and add to the skills. I have some really fun coin belts that are fun to swing around in. Can't discount the allure of being all jangly.

I had thought that reading deprivation wasn't working for me -- and I still want to give it another week and be more true to the spirit of the tool. Then I realized that it was working, just not in the woo-hoo happy happy joy joy way I expected it too. What happened when I stopped bombarding my mind with other people's work is that I started to hear the grief that I've been drowning out. And perhaps the body image stuff is part of that too. Keeping so much intellectual noise in my life is not only part of blocking my own creativity, but also part of avoiding dealing with the ugly emotions. It's such an ingrained mechanism that I don't -- or didn't -- even think about it. So, hmm.

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