Wednesday, Jul. 13, 2005 | 7:35 p.m.
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Entry from June 21: Shadow Thoughts
Even older back entry, but one I'd like you to see, from June 21:
Is my Shadow Self a comglomeration of bad habits? No. But it is what motivates some of those habits, what informs them. It's more than that, of course, but there is a relationship. I'm pretty sure I'm taking Holding the Paradox of Bright and Dark at camp next week. I had been leaning pretty strongly towards Earth, Art, Healing, Magic, but lately I've really been feeling a tug from my Shadow, a tug that says "Pay attention!" And when I read this
This separation fosters splits in ourselves and our world, and we relegate all undesired pieces of ourselves to the shadows. We struggle to live as authentic beings in a culture that refuses to see us as whole. We seek to know ourselves in all of our parts.
the day before yesterday, I felt an answering tug from that same place that is demanding attention.
On some level I have approached my Shadow as something to be fixed, a set of "issues" needing work. The bane of my existence, I think, is my analyzing mind that is always seeking to evaluate and fix. It wants to pick apart the pieces of my Shadow and put them into neat little compartments -- they're easier to deal with that way, contained and categorized.
Now I seek to know my Shadow more in the way a lover knows the curves and planes of their partner's body. I don't seek to get out of doing The Work, but I am really coming to understand the importance of knowing and loving anyway -- all my parts. I can't work on the habits without being intimate and searingly honest with the source.
I had a dream about a week ago that I was talking to Thorn about Feri work. I have never dreamed about Thorn before and it was interesting that the conversation was pretty down-to-earth, pretty real. Much like talking to Thorn in the non-dream world. I have been wanting to talk to her about the Feri work for months now, but haven't been able to get in touch. At any rate, this dream came unbidden -- I'd pushed the thought of doing the training out of my mind, though apparently not completely. In my dream, Thorn said many things, but what came through loud and clear is that I need to consider Feri work again, if in no other way than in seriously working through Evolutionary Witchcraft. Maybe that's the start. Maybe once I finish that, I will know if doing the training is the right thing. The work of knowing all my parts is so deeply woven into that tradition... it's hard to ignore. Camp may shed some light and I leave Friday.
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