Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 | 9:02 p.m.



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Still More Coolness

Deals With the Devil

So I made a deal with the devil, er, Juli, my personal trainer, today. I have been stepping on the scale for the past six weeks and seeing little change, mostly, I think, because I haven't been really serious about eating and cardio. The deal? Five sessions of cardio, between 20 and 35 minutes, every week. Abs and arms every day. Strength training (this includes Pilates), twice a week. Paying attention to my eating, like seriously. Not just watching the shit go in, but not putting it there in the first place. To this end, we discussed Weight Watchers, which hasn't really been working for me timewise, so today I started journaling my food.

Once upon a time, I had a therapist who wanted me to keep a food journal, an anger journal, an inner child journal and a journal journal. I thought she was goddamn crazy. I hemmed and hawed and made excuses for a few sessions, and finally, I stopped going. I was intimidated by all that journaling! And now here I am, keeping about four journals, though perhaps not the ones she would have recommended. Maybe the timing just wasn't right back then.

This getting in shape thing is starting to show up in my morning pages, which means I'm going to have to delve into the underlying issues, I'm sure. Dammit. It would be much easier to just keep up with my current habits and die at 45, right? Or just hate myself a little more every year. Seriously, this losing weight thing is tough. It's discouraging. Part of me wants to jump on the diet bandwagon, but years of experience tells me that that way lies pain and heartache. I might lose weight temporarily, but ultimately I'd put it back on because I know I won't eat like that for the rest of my life. No, the true course for me is simply eating healthy. It's not fast, but it seems to stay off more in the long run. That's how I lost the first forty-five pounds. I just have to cut back again to lose the rest. You know, not so many glasses of wine and ice cream. Scratch that, the wine and the ice cream are had separately, not together. Merlot float, anyone?

I'm trying to think of ways to up my accountability. One journal writer puts her daily food online every day. Another puts her weight. I don't think that works for me. Juli is going to start calling once a week and has offered to walk with me during the day if I need company. I think that's cool. Any other ideas?

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