Monday, Aug. 23, 2004 | 1:55 p.m.
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Every day I get up, determined to knock out some boxes, get them unpacked, and every day I run out of steam right before noon. I know part of the problem is that Nina isn't sleeping well, and there's no one to switch naps with, so I'm sleep deprived. I also think both Nina and I are coming down with some mild sinus thing -- maybe even just an adjustment to the more polluted air, though I doubt that considering the recent rains that really cleaned the atmosphere here.
Today, with some prodding from D, I finally started unpacking the boxes for Gab's room. The problem is, some of these boxes are older and contain quite a bit of Jasmine's stuff. I open every piece of paper, every card, every journal, looking for... I don't know what. Since I'm in "chuck it" mode, I'm partially looking to see if it's keep-worthy. But it's more than that, if I'm honest. If I'm honest, I'll admit that I'm looking for any indication she knew this was coming, any indication she was preparing herself for this, that she thought about death. Any indication other than the few conversations I had with her. So far, I've only discovered an awakening attention placed on boys I don't know. Innocent proclamations of love, the stirring of awareness that boys can be something other than a nuisance. It's poignant.
More poignant is that I find no indication that she knew death was near, no wondering about what comes After. What I find, despite all her illness and hospital visits, are signs of a life interrupted.
I am ready for Jeff to be home from Bloomington. The struggle with the house has become epic and I begged him today to hire some landscapers and a handy man so he can come home. He's sick with some kind of flu, depressed and riding our Moby Dick of a house right down to the deepest part of the sea. He promised me he would make the calls and get someone hired. I pray that he keeps that promise. As much as I'm struggling here alone, I'm not as alone as he is -- I see D on a regular basis, I've had at least one parent over for the past two weekends, and I have the girls to keep me from thinking too much.
Anyway, if I look on the bright side, I am making slow progress with unpacking, things are slowly coming out of their boxes to make this place a home. Maybe these feelings are just the dying throes of our time of transition, the last kick before things smooth out. I can hope.
Oh yeah... no one guessed the last entry's song clip. It was "Time to Die" by Gary Numan (of "Cars" fame). Today... from a much more recent release:
Recent Entries ...
Go Here - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006
Short, But Sad Good-bye - Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005
Jasmine's Story ... Our Story - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
Ache - Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005
Twists & Turns - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2005
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