Friday, May. 20, 2005 | 12:17 p.m.



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More Truth and Sorting

Let the sorting process begin. This post really is more for the benefit of me trying to work things out, so do feel free to click the red X in the corner and read something more stimulating. This can't possibly be all that interesting to you all... kind of like reading someone's grocery list.

My priorities at this time are to build my coven, spend time with my family and friends and to pursue a career that really feeds me. Those are deceptively simple because each of them actually requires a lot of work and time. Other things that I wanted to try to squeeze in this year, like travel, crafts, triathlons, insta-Reclaiming Community, are going to have to wait or -- yikes! -- may never happen.

Travel: I really want to travel this year to see friends, but the reality is, I can't afford it. Those of you read, who I've talked about seeing this year, I'm letting us both off the hook. I hope it can happen next year. Committing to two camps is crazy, and I won't do it next year. If I go at all, I'm only going to one. It would sure help me choose if all camps were as good about getting their theme out there as the Texas and Missouri camps.

Knit/Crochet/Scrapbooking/Stamping: I don't have time to seek out a person to teach me to knit/crochet, and it's not a high enough priority for me to make time. Maybe I'll get lucky at Tejas camp and find one of you knitters to sit with me for a time. If I smile pretty and bring my own stuff?? ::batting lashes:: I don't have time this year to really take on scrapbooking and stamping my cards. I'll do it as I can, but I'm not setting any crazy goals, and life will be just fine if I don't do it at all.

Spiritual Community: As much as building community is a priority, my coven is higher and I only have room for one right now. I will teach and organize Reclaiming classes this year and would consider supporting other highly motivated people in building community, but I can't be the glue. Maybe next year, if it's still needed, and if enough people are initiated into full membership of the coven, so the work is shared. And quite honestly, I'm not sure even then, because the first year of full membership is quite an adjustment.

Health: Taking on training for a triathlon this year isn't in the cards either. I don't have time and I think I find it easier to focus on just getting healthy. I'm even backing off trying to lose a certain amount of weight each month and shooting to make it to the gym three times a week, to do weight training two of those days, and to improve my strength and stamina. I will measure this by tracking amount of weight and reps, as well as time and intensity on the cardio machines. Classes are stressing me out right now, so I'm sticking to cardio machines and weights. This means I might disappoint Thalia, but I'm hoping she'll understand. It's not like I've been attending with her anyway and at least this way I'll create an honest expectation.

Writing/Career: It looks like I'm going to have to go to school this summer in order to be admitted to ASU in the fall. The last semester I was there, Jasmine got sick and I didn't get withdrawn in time, so my GPA is in bad shape. That's okay, though, I'm good with that. Starting sooner rather than later, and I think that will put my student loans into deferrment immediately, which will help our monthly bottom line. If it is necessary, I will find something part time work-wise. Anyway, being back in school not only gives me time to write, it sort of forces it. I may return to my original-fresh-out-of-high-school major - English Composition and Rhetoric. With a minor in either Women's Studies, Psychology or Religious Studies.

Family: I really don't want to put Nina into full-time day care if I can avoid it. Aside from the expense of it, I am enjoying my time with her and would love to not have to do it. Ideally, the student thing could last for three more years, until she's ready for school, and then I could go back to work full-time. Making time for my marriage and my children is a priority. That means cutting back on going out, etc., but that's part of what I'm doing by limiting my community involvement and so on. And I'm fortunate that we have friends who we are "couple friends" with and "family friends" with, which means we can hang out and have fun and it still counts as good family time.

And the thing that doesn't fit into any of these categories? I'm going to work on not spending all my time trying to figure out what people want me to to be and then trying to be that. I'm going to try to just be who I am, imperfections and all, and see who's still there when I'm done. That is very scary for me.

I'm struggling with the feeling that by realizing these things, by admitting I am not going to do them, I am slacking. Yesterday I unwrapped a piece of Dove's dark chocolate to find this inside: You're allowed to do nothing. It's hard for me to do that without feeling like I'm lazy -- even when Mom says I was never lazy. (Have I mentioned that my mom is still a fierce lioness if someone threatens her babies?) ;-) There's still more to do, but I think it might all work to keep me sane and ultimately, to help me get to the things I really want.

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Recent Entries ...
Go Here - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006
Short, But Sad Good-bye - Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005
Jasmine's Story ... Our Story - Friday, Sept. 30, 2005
Ache - Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005
Twists & Turns - Tuesday, Sept. 27, 2005

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