Dragonflies, Butterflies & Lady Bugs

Nobody Said It Was Easy...

Jeff left today for Illinois, where he will finish the job of salvaging whatever needs to be brought west and chucking the rest. Then he'll do the odd jobs that need to be done to put that house on the market and then he and the cats will drive home to Arizona. I don't envy him that drive for a number of reasons.

I didn't expect to feel such a pang of anxiety at his leaving. I felt very sad dropping him off at the airport and apprehensive about being away from him. It seemed weird to be so emotional because we've had plenty of separations like this in our marriage, and I'm far from being joined at the hip with my husband, but then I realized this will be the first time we've been separated since Jasmine's death. In fact, gauging my reaction today, I wonder if on some level, this feeling contributed to our crazy decision to have Nina, Gab and I join Jeff and Waylon on the five state trek last week.

I know I'll be okay. In many ways, I have the "cush" end of this, sitting at home unpacking, with good friends and family very near by. But still, there will be the nights in bed alone, Jasmine's ashes not too far away. Jasmine's ashes that neither Jeff nor I have had the heart to disperse. We talked about it the other night and found that we were feeling much the same way about it -- we're just not ready, yet, to let her go. Plus we keep having these funny "Big Lebowski" flashes, but seriously, we aren't ready to do it now any more than we were in Jamaica. Holding the deeply carved wooden box that contains her ashes is as close as I can come to holding her, except in dreams.

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