Dragonflies, Butterflies & Lady Bugs

Frustrated

Argh!!! That combination of letters in no way can truly convey the anger and frustration I'm feeling right now. I don't think there is such a word. It's even beyond cussing. Jeff's mother is not doing well at all. The doctors won't even make a prognosis -- they want to "take it day by day." Of course, I don't know how much Jeff is pushing for one, either, because I'm not there with him.

This morning at breakfast he looked at me and asked if it was wrong for him to not want to deal with this right now. WTF??!!! Hell, no, it's not wrong! Even if he had the emotional reserves to deal with it, what sane person wants to go through something like this? Who wants to listen to their painfully confused mother ask the same question over and over again to the accompaniment of a 3 liter oxygen feed? Who wants to wonder if their mother remembers details from recent events? Who wants to hear the doctor say there's a chance their mother may not make it, and if this time doesn't kill her, the next time very well could? And then, when you factor in Jasmine, of course he doesn't want to do it.

And me? I'm hurting for my husband. I have never been close to my mother-in-law. MS aside, she has schemed and connived over the years to either separate us or keep us apart. One fine night early in our relationship, she sat in my living room while I was in bed not more than ten feet away and announced to my husband that I was not good enough for him. She constantly reminded him of dates and good times with the girl she had hand-picked for him -- nevermind that neither he nor the girl wanted that sort of relationship. In recent years she has mellowed on that front, but she never fails to heap on the guilt whenever we see her. She "keeps score" on the time we spend with my parents vs. the time we spend with her. And frankly? The timing of this is CRAP!

I know, I know; she had no way of choosing the time to be this sick. And I feel ashamed to be so annoyed by this, but it's a huge wrench in our works right now! There is less than a month before school starts in Mesa. Less than a month to get our house ready to be sold, less than a month to find a house to move into, less than a month to move across country. Couldn't one damned thing go smoothly this year? Just one?

Jeff may stay in Arizona to be with her right now. He doesn't want to, but he knows if he doesn't, either his own guilt or guilt supplied by his grandmother may haunt him. He hasn't decided what he's going to do, but I guess he'll have to make that decision by Wednesday, which is when we are supposed to go back to Illinois.

::sigh:: On the house front, we met with another mortgage dude and things are looking more promising. We should hear back from him on Monday. Worst case scenario is lease/rent-to-own and that's a temporary financial solution that would keep us from having to move twice. So I feel better about that, at least.

Previous | Next